After the Affair: The first few steps

Affairs bring with them a kind of emotional earthquake. However you find yourself here - as the hurt partner, the unfaithful one, or the person outside the relationship - you’re probably feeling disoriented. Maybe even a bit lost. Like the ground has shifted and you’re unsure what to do next.

It’s normal. Truly. In the immediate aftermath of an affair, things are raw. Emotions crash in quickly and don’t always make sense. Anger, disbelief, shame, guilt, deep grief - they all rise and fall, sometimes within the same day, same hour. Each of these emotions comes with its own urge to act - to leave, to fight, to explain, to cut off, to lash out.

But if there’s one thing I want to say clearly here, it’s this: the first task is not to figure it all out. The first task is to not make it worse.

When everything is heightened, decisions made in the heat of emotion often do more harm than good. That doesn’t mean the feelings aren’t valid - they are. 100%. But feelings don’t always need to be acted on in the moment. In fact, pausing can be one of the most protective things you do.

This phase - crisis stabilisation - is about reducing the impact. It’s a time for slowing things down and allowing the dust to settle just enough that you can start to see clearly.

If you're a couple navigating this together, it may help to begin assessing the emotional terrain you're standing on. How did the affair come to light? Do you both have a shared understanding of what happened, and what it meant? Do you both agree it was an affair? These might sound like simple questions, but they often aren’t. Clarity, in this stage, is not about blame. It’s about gently beginning to understand.

We also might look at what came before. Not to justify - but to gain context. What was life like for each of you in the months or years leading up to this point? What kind of partnership did you have? What roles did you each hold in the relationship? What other pressures were you carrying?

There’s also a very real grief that comes after infidelity. Grief for what was. For what was imagined. For the sense of security and identity that may now feel fractured. It’s okay if you feel like you're mourning something you didn’t even realise you valued so much until it was shaken, or to mourn the future you had deeply hoped for. That’s not weakness. It’s humanness.

In the therapy room, my role is to help you steady yourself. To normalise what you're feeling, to validate it, but not to let those feelings lead you into more harm. That might mean helping you resist the urge to retaliate or to make big life decisions too soon. It might mean helping you manage conversations so they don’t spiral into endless conflict. Sometimes it’s just being the person who says: You don’t have to figure this all out today.

One of the most grounding tools we use is the idea of a recovery timeline. The first three months? They’re often the hardest. That emotional rollercoaster? Completely normal. You may find yourself oscillating from fury, grief and devastation, to comfort, closeness and care - and back again - day to day, hour to hour. From three to six months, you might see glimpses of stability, though there may still be sharp turns. It’s not linear. But it’s movement. And having a rough timeline can help both partners manage their expectations.

Practical skills like regulating emotions and shifting how you talk about the affair matter too. One simple, powerful practice is called “softened start-up” - using I statements to express hurt without blame. Not to win the argument. But to be heard. Not to punish. But to understand. It can also be helpful to schedule your discussions about the affair each day, and to limit those discussions to 30-60 minutes. Rebuilding following an affair is tough going, and scheduling and limiting the conversation allows all parties to emotionally prepare to explore in a way that is regulated and respectful.

Whether you’re the one who’s been hurt, the one who strayed, or someone caught in the complex middle - affairs can be devastating. For some, affairs open up conversations that were never had. For others, they mark a turning point - painful, but clarifying.

Whatever comes next, it’s okay if you don’t know yet. You don’t need to. You just need to get through this part. And you don’t have to do it alone.

If you're navigating the aftermath of an affair, I offer one-to-one counselling to help you make sense of what you’re feeling and where you might go from here. Individual work can be a powerful space to untangle your own thoughts, process grief, build clarity, and reconnect with yourself. If you'd like grounded, non-judgemental support from a warm, straight-talking counsellor, feel free to reach out. You don’t have to do this alone.